Grace. Way too big for us humans to even understand. God’s grace covers us in every area of our life, whether we see it or not, whether we recognize it or not. And, if you don’t believe in God’s grace, He still chooses to share some with you. WOW! God has been blowing me away with His hugeness day by day.
Lately, as I wrote in my last post, I’ve been struggling with who I am– comparing myself to others… comparing myself to my perfectionistic, too-high-to-reach expectations. Continuously I find myself getting frustrated for not growing in my relationship with the Lord as quickly as I think I should be or not being as good of an employee as I think I should be or not be as perfect as a wife as I think I should be or as I think my husband deserves or not being as good as a friend as I think I should be… not living up to both the world’s standards or my own standards and feeling like it’s impossible to live up to them, which only leads to me feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, which does not have a good effect one my relationships with those I love most.
There’s been a lot of “news” lately: newly married, new apartment, new job. And, of course, along with all that, there’s been a lot of pressure I’ve put on myself to be the “perfect” wife or “perfect” home-keeper or “perfect” employee… and since my job is spiritual work, the “perfect” Christian.
Speaking of newly married, Jeff and I got married this past May, so we’ve been married 4 months and 5 whole days! 4 months and 5 whole days of thinking of someone else better than myself (Phil. 2:3-11)… or at least trying to. Just the other day I was feeling overwhelmed and thinking of just how tired I was of having to “constantly” lay down my “rights” for the sake of another. I mean, common, it’s SOO much easier to only consider yourself! Well, anyways, I was just realizing how imperfect I was at being humble and placing my husband above myself, when I had the thought, “What’s the point?” What’s the point in trying, if I’m only going to continue to fail. It’s inevitable. I’m human. I will fail. (And then of course I beat myself up internally for even having such a thought…)
Jeff had been talking to me lately about reading the Bible with the purpose of finding a principal to “practice”. To me, the thought was foreign because even when I practice something I want to do it as perfectly as I can. After discussing with Jeff how I was suppose to look to God for all my needs (which I fail at a lot) and feeling overwhelmed, he suggested approaching it like it was practice. “But, I know I’m going to fail anyways, so what’s even the point in practicing?” I thought.
After speaking with Debi, the wife of one of our church’s pastors, the Lord reminded me of the freedom that is in Him, that is in His grace.
(Now, speaking about grace is a touchy subject because, if you talk too much one way, someone may think you’re saying that we don’t have to try at all because of God’s grace, but, if you talk too much the other way, someone may think you’re saying it depends solely on our own efforts. Please know that in no way am I meaning either of those.)
God kindly reminded me that the same freedom I experienced when I first surrendered my life to Him, realizing that I don’t have to pretend that I’m perfect and without outward sin, is the exact freedom that He graciously allows me to walk in every single day… I don’t have to have it all together! It’s okay if I don’t always place my husband above myself, it’s okay if I don’t finishing folding all the laundry in one (or two or three) days and there’s dishes in the sink, it’s okay if I don’t meet all my weekly numbers at work. I’m covered by God’s grace, and God is continuously working in me to perfect me… even if I’m not looking as perfect as I think I should be looking as quickly as I think I should be. I can try, try, try and work, work, work all I want, but, if I’m not looking to God and trusting Him for my growth, then what is the point?
All this to point out one simple truth, which I’m sure you’ve heard if you grew up in church, but that I just am experiencing the freedom of:
It’s God who changes us, not ourselves.
I’m now practicing a different definition of the word “practice”.
–Raegan
The McAdams 